Notes to Self
1. You used to write for others. Pause after punchlines to hear the snaps you hoped said
more about yourself than the words you spoke. Assumed a beggar’s stance after every
performance. Arms wide open, accepting the compliments you thought your traumas
deserved. Taking souvenirs of strangers’ terrors so yours could have company on the
way back home. Remember that now you write for yourself. And if there’s ever a time
where that’s no longer true, stop writing.
2. You don’t have to be afraid of the love you never thought you deserved. There are
people in your life that tell you that they love you. And eventually, you have to decide
to be brave enough to believe them.
3. You use the word beautiful to describe everything and everyone but yourself. Promise
to never use it again until it blinds you in the mirror. Until it writes itself on your
bones, etches itself into your skin. Turns less adjective and more verb. A state of being
that you live comfortably in.
4. If you let your disorders eat you alive, they will. And no matter how many pills, and
therapy sessions, and food journals you use to keep you going remember there will be a
time where you will discover recovery.
5. Purging is not the same as coping. Your insecurities are not a diet plan. Running away
from something is not the same as running toward something. So don’t confuse your
love of grit and sweat for your obsession with pain and hurting.
6. When you tell someone about your rape story and the first thing they say is “were you
drinking?”, do not replace their words with “how could you let this happen?”
Remember that this story was not for them. And sharing the story was not for them
either. This is for you. This is for all the times you’ve blamed yourself for someone
else’s mistakes. This is your survival, this is your triumph, this is your battle scar. This
story almost broke you. So remember your own words and not the commentary it
7. Pick up your heartbeat, tuck it between a real smile and a good memory. Things that
are safe and steady. Remind yourself to come back for it when you are ready.
8. Remember to breathe. Say No. Say Yes. Say you will. Say you won't. Say can’t
nobody break you but you. Say there’s nothing beautiful about suffering. Say you are
the hundredth rise after the 99th fall. Say you can change. Say you are Change. Say
things only when you mean them. Say “I love you” as often as you can.